Let's here it for Delta Sky Miles!
My mother Janet Hickman, the accountant, could be described as a control freak, fussy, finicky, persnickety, or just difficult. I would have included, 'anal', but I'm afraid of getting in trouble with the local authorities here. You see, when Caleb was a mere 2 months old Janet was insistent that I register him for Delta Sky Miles. How may times has she flown us down here? And the last couple of years, as many of you know, she's taken Caleb on all these Disney cruises. That's got to explain why he had more miles racked up than I did. Long story short mom, you're responsible for Caleb and I being here tonight. The way I look at it, you flew us down here.
You see, I know that my mom, the fussy accountant, takes great pleasure knowing that the sky miles balanced out like that. But you see mom, a lot of things have balanced out tonight. Quite a bit more than the air fare. Let's start with all those pranks you played on me over the years, because lets face it- we pranked you good tonight! People are going to be talking about this for years. Do you remember when you and dad locked Rich and I outside the motel room after you dared us to streak buck naked around the building? I haven't forgotten. I'm still trying to work through that one. Or how about all those Valentines day cards? Most people get hearts, or chocolate kisses for Valentines day. From as early as I can remember, my mom has always given me a Valentines card with a skunk on it. And there's always a caption, like "You stink". I haven't forgotten. Paybacks are hell mom.
Every year when it's my birthday. Oh my goodness! It's so embarrassing. My phone rings, and I answer it. "Happy Birthday to you". Is there anybody else here that she does this to? She sings the song in it's entirety, "Happy Birthday dear Bobby", and by this point I've got the phone back from my ear, and whomever I'm with asks, "Is that your mom?". My face is beet red by this point. And then my mom goes into the second verse. "How old are you? How old are you?" She does this to me every single year. Well, what goes around comes around. The table has certainly turned, hasn't it mom?
I think my mother takes pleasure in the discomfort her pranks do to others. Do you all know that every Christmas she mails her friend Angela the very same moldy fruitcake? And that's why tonight's so perfect. Tonight, mom, you got pranked. It all balances out. And believe me. Your friends took great pleasure in seeing your expression as you walked through that door. The video's already on Youtube! It's pay back time! You got served!
Remember when you tried to surprise us on that flight out to California? We had to change planes in Denver, and my mom had this sneaky hoax worked out to show up on our connecting flight. But it didn't work out the way you planned, did it mom? Not like this here tonight. You don't have the airline prank karma that we've got. Too many moldy fruit cakes through the mail.
This has got to drive you crazy! You've lost complete control. Worlds have collided. How did we pull this off? Firstly, your brother Herbie tried his darnedest to talk me out of it. So if the CPA practice crashes because you weren't able to finish all your tax returns this year, you can't hold Herbie responsible a single bit. Herbie's completely off the hook. I don't know what did you did to him as a kid. Actually, having grown up with you I've got a pretty good idea, but that's another story. Listen- I promised cover for everybody. I accept all the blame for tonight. If the CPA practice crashes you can come live with me in Brooklyn. But I used up all the sky miles, so you'll have to take the bus. You owe your friend Jennie big time. She talked me out of my original idea, which was to have this party at your house! Can you imagine? You're gonna want that key back now, aren't you? You really owe Jennie!
You know how you're always threatening to take me out of the will- and leave everything to the church? I think it's pretty clear here tonight- that they're all just as bad as I am. Who knew Presbyterians could be so bad! Who knew Presbyterian Sunday school teachers were so awful? Jill was instrumental. I bet you had no idea your closest friends and family could be so deceitful! Or maybe you did! Chances are, everyone who called you today, everyone who sent you a card, all your Facebook friends were in on this. We got you good mom! It all balances out! It's got to drive you absolutely bonkers! You're gonna be processing this for days!
You thought you were on top of things. It's like the rug pulled out from beneath you! So let's see- let's think back. Remember the last time you were in Brooklyn- and you couldn't find your phone? You muttered to yourself, "I must be cracking up!" You're not cracking up mom! Your phone was in my pocket. How else was I going to get Chris Kakakashi's number? For years you've been telling Caleb and I about all these wonderful friends of yours- some we've met before, many though we're meeting for the first time tonight. They've all heard about Caleb and I, and about one another. Tonight worlds collide. It all balances out.
I don't know if everyone here realizes how completely we've pranked Janet! I hope you all know that she gets really uncomfortable being up in front of a large group like this. Feel the pleasure in her discomfort. She would if she were in your shoes! Everything balances out!
Mom- you've come to Brooklyn to visit us so many times. You have been to so many of Caleb's birthday parties. It was high time we made it to one of yours.
I think what stands out most about Janet, aside from her fussiness, is her laugh and her big smile. Mom- you are so kind, so giving, and so generous. It was high time we celebrate you. You're a rock star tonight! Let me present to you, this very special birthday girl tiara.
Look at all the friends you've got mom! Everybody! Please give yourselves a big hand! We pulled it off!
Putting this party together, I learned a lot about you. You've got a lot of really good people in your life. You've got friends checking in tonight from as far away as Singapore. These people love you. We all love you dearly. Yeah mom, tonight it all balances out. Here's to Delta Sky Miles! Happy Birthday Mom!
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